*New Post* On Finding What Was Missing

Hello, friend. Jessy here. I’m writing to you tucked between peach strawflowers and corked jars at my desk. I missed you and I’m wondering how you’ve been?

I’ve been mostly cooking barefoot with chipped nail polish. Pulling weeds with sleeves rolled up. Knee deep in the squishy but merry streams of family life.

And then theres the odds and ends in between. Feeding hungry bunnies & children. Flirting & bantering with my husband. Driving kids to and fro. Things like that. In many ways, life was and is tender and fun.

But between you and me, something felt off. No. It was more like deep cavernous ache that settled in my heart quietly at first….

Because a mysterious ache could mean a lot of things, ya know? It came on after I tucked the kids in bed. I felt like I didn’t know how to guide them as they grew. I also noticed this ache grow stronger after I really sunk my toes into the spirituality world.

I didn’t jump right into into new age spirituality. Nothing like that. As a teen, my sister and I drove ourselves every Sunday to church. We asked our youth pastor to baptize us. Joined bible study and camps. What a refreshing time it was! Like breathing in cool alpine air after traveling in a rental car.

I knew I had a friend in Jesus.

I’ve been reflecting on that time. How I loved worship songs. Biblical discussions lit me up. I was supported by our youth pastor.

But I didn’t know how to have a relationship with Jesus. Not a real one. Not really. Especially when I felt powerless or worried. Or when I was offered a beer. Or when boys called. Or when I found myself in uncertain situations. So I went on my own way.

That was back in the desert, back in the day. But God was never absent. He provided guidance. He sent messengers. He offered comfort in hard times. He’s a loving Father like that.

At 21 He sent me a new friend who cleaned his church between shifts at the restaurant we both worked at. We’d drive back and forth together. I’d hold the toilet stall open for him and asked questions about his church. He’d talk about Jesus while I dusted the church piano.

I confessed to him that I sometimes took home shrimp from the restaurant fridge. Because we were paid next to nothing and I was hungry, I explained!

Someone else might have shrugged it off. But he broke it to me gently, “Jessy, that’s still wrong.” I knew he was right. I never forgot the moral foundation from which he lived his life.

Over the next decade, those memories took a back seat. My family moved to bustling Silicon Valley for my husband’s start-up business. We had two young children.

In the wee hours of the morning, I’d read about self-care for moms from a blog I discovered. She explained that self-care could feel magical with crystals, angel cards, manifestation techniques, yoga and meditations.

Maybe I should to try this, I’d whisper to myself while rocking my baby to sleep. It felt like a more positive way of handling my sensitive nature. In the past I had relied on numbing my feelings.

So it started very simple, ya know? Interesting when that happens. And 10 years later I accumulated dozens of spiritual books and attended countless classes. I created many (many!) self care rituals. I studied world religions. Developed an “all is one” approach to spirituality. I made kind friends.

Some days felt invigorating and empowering. Healing even. Like I knew the secret sauce. But more days felt confusing. Depleting. Even empty. Sketchy. Mystery illnesses arrived.

Gather close now. Because there were many red flags which indicated all was certainly not one. There was darkness masquerading as light, something I could not see until the veil was lifted (2 Corinthians 11:14). Initially, I shrugged the concerns off as part of the spiritual journey. Yet no sage could protect from it. No crystal could clear it. No meditation could empty it. No energy healing could remedy it. Only calling on Jesus could powerfully help (more on that later).

There was one notable time when a dog refused to come inside after a guided meditation. He looked scared. That was very unusual for the dog, I was told. That particular meditation raised concerns from others because it accessed “past lives.” I told them not to worry. At the time I didn’t understand that we could be deceived.

Then there was the teacher who had built a large following. He came to class flustered and agitated. The audience was smiling and reverent. His “research” concluded the Bible was 20% true. That our lives were merely a simulation. A game of sorts.

I saw hundreds of classmates nodding their heads with approval. This is when I started to feel a tightness in my body. When I started to question.

I left class feeling palpably sad. Everything felt so twisted. So backward. So confusing. I asked God that night, “Please show me the truth.”

Out of the blue, my favorite yoga teacher quit and told us all she accepted Jesus. That the spiritual aspects she integrated were counterfeit. That really struck me. That’s her truth but it’s not mine, I thought at the time.

There were many more concerns which unfolded. I’ll have to share those at a later time if you’re interested.

For now, I’m so curious if you’ve had spiritual teacher who felt deceptive?

Or maybe God becoming “the universe” has raised your eyebrow? Or even principles like “I create my reality” and “I am my own savior” feel overwhelming? Has caused for pause? Even the quest to find more ancient knowledge for more spiritual skills. If that has led to a wackadoodle night or three - let’s chat soon?

I’m so curious to hear your thoughts on why channeled messages, the edgy podcasts, the plant medicines, and spiritual books are so readily consumed. Without guarding our impressionable hearts in any way? Why we believe it just because it resonates in that moment?

I could be mistaken, but it’s as if the Bible is quoted in the new age to prove an author’s agenda. But many never truly read the Bible in full context. Nor ask questions to the people who have studied it. And live it.

It’s interesting how a new age concept will resonate. Yet over time, it will start to feel as slimy as a snake. What stands out is how seductive a bite of immorality and God-like power becomes. All for the promise of “full expression,” “prosperity” or even “new earth ascension.” Even convincing ourselves that our astrology chart, or the moon cycle or the solar flares had us behaving in some kind of way. No repentance required. Let question this.

Come to think of it, snakes are wrapped around so much in the new age. Even tattooed on many teachers. Maybe it’s no coincidence that Adam and Eve were also deceived by a snake. I’ve been reflecting a lot on that lately.

It wasn’t until I talked to friend and confessed, “How could I have done so much to improve my life. And now I feel this lost? This confused? Why do I feel something is still missing?”

My dear friend, have you heard the parable of the lost sheep? This is what changed everything.

Four months ago, I blew the dust off an old Bible and randomly flipped to a page with a skeptical sigh. I landed on Luke 15. I read it aloud,

3 Then Jesus told them this parable: 4 “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? 5 And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders 6 and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ 7 I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent. (Luke 15:7 NIV)

Suddenly God’s presence entered my room. The feeling was warm, loving and powerful. It engulfed me.

I cried out, “I am the lost sheep!”

I wept for 3 straight days. I bowed in profound reverence. I asked Jesus to be in my heart and to guide me. In an instant, I knew the Bible was 100% true. I felt remorse for how off God’s path I was. I was strongly guided to repent.

I felt a profound peace in my spirit. The ache in my heart dissipated each day I prayed and read my Bible. Even through spiritual attacks, I knew God would see me through all of it.

I wanted to joyfully tell anyone who passed me, the Bible is true! Jesus is real! My Friend is by my side once again! And I did to my close family and friends.

I breathed in that fresh alpine air once again. After driving around lost in a counterfeit rental car. I could finally rest. I finally felt free.

I bet many of you already know this. We have an extraordinarily loving and powerfully wise God. He wants to guide us and protect us. He wants to set us on a fruitful path by following His will.

If you hear otherwise. If following your impressionable heart and your own truth sounds more enticing (like it did for me). Then it might be a good to pray about it. Ask Him yourself. He’ll knock. Be sure you open the door to listen to His answer.

A week within this powerful experience with Jesus, God led me to a women’s bible study. It was 10 minutes away from my home.

These compassionate, fun and wise friends I’d meet have become such a profound blessing in my life. These last few months, I’ve laughed, shed tears and prayed next to these beautiful women. We must have an affectionate Heavenly Father who understands us very well. This is just what I needed.

I do appreciate the self-awareness and friendships I have gained because of spirituality. But it’s interesting that for every problem the new age seemed to solve, it brought forth more problems. For every wound it healed, it created a new wound.

It’s not like that with Jesus. A few months with Him working in my heart, I have grown more patient. More humble. More forgiving. My family has noticed this as well. I now have true trust in God’s plan for my life and for Earth. I have been given a life purpose because of who I am with Jesus.

Then I mess up again and that’s why I need Jesus to lean on!

The most profound shift is with my children. I thought we had strong connection before. For the most part, we did. I still use many positive parenting practices. But now I have the Bible’s living and breathing truth to help me guide them. I refer to The Word daily with endless inspiration.

I take prayer requests each night. We pray together. Now I know their hearts so much better. I know God loves them and guides them. We finally have a strong foundation to which to build our family life that I always longed for.

Matthew 7:24-27 “Everyone who hears my teaching and applies it to his life can be compared to a wise man who built his house on an unshakable foundation. When the rains fell and the flood came, with fierce winds beating upon his house, it stood firm because of its strong foundation.”

God really put it on my heart to share this all with you. I’m also so curious to hear your testimonies too! I’d love to hear yours if you’re open to sharing? Connect me with me at Jesse@weavinwonder.com if you’d like?

With love,

Jessy