4 Weeks To More Independent Play
Hey there, super amazing you.
It's me, Jesse. Let’s face it, everyone benefits when our baby or child can play on their own. Even if it’s for a short time, independent play can be a rich time when our children can become curious and engaged learners, using their own intuition and problem solving skills to lead the way.
It’s magic - truly!
Naturally when our children can play without us, we get to discover our child in a whole new way. We can focus on what they can do right now, rather than instructing them to do more. We can better appreciate them for who they are and their unique interests.
Plus we get the freedom to relax more and enjoy our own unique interests as well. Maybe chop an onion for dinner too. It’s not always that easy yet sometimes it is, ya know?
If independent play is a struggle, it’s important to remember the secret: It starts alongside us, and that we play a meaningful role in it all.
Below is a 4 week approach inspired by Magda Gerber to fostering more independent play in your cozy home. If you have any questions along the way, feel free to message me at Jesse@weaveinwonder.com. Would love to hear how it’s going.
And away we go!
Week 1 : Set up a safe “yes space” and begin observing play
Observing a child learn through play has a magical feel. It is a time when children, and even young babies can manipulate a toy in many creative ways, develop problem solving skills, and discover what they are capable of.
This also means that we might need to kindly step out of the way, and allow our children to learn in a more self-directed way.
Independent play can sound easy enough, but when it comes down to it - it’s easy to get stuck with endless entertaining or resorting to screen-time just to get a break (no judgement here). Or maybe it’s frustrating when our child hollers for us the minute we leave the room.
Oh, I've been there. And I still have those days because #parentingishard.
In order to strive for more child-led play, we need to trust that our children are born to play (because they are!), and that it starts with us sitting close by, and intervening very thoughtfully.
Even young babies are capable of leading their own play, usually with their hands. I bet you’ve noticed this already. Older babies, toddlers, and children are also the pros and don't always need our (even super cool) ideas. Their instincts are powerful, and they have an inner knowing to what they need to work on for development, and what interests them the most.
Create A Safe “Yes Space”: A “Yes Space” is the place our children can thrive in. We never have to say, “No, don’t touch that.” Instead, it is safe, engaging, and challenging, and we can say, “Yes, go right on ahead!”
There are so many ways to create a play space like this, and truly you understand your home and child’s needs best. You know we nailed it if you imagine getting locked out of your house (eeks), but the play space is so safe you know nothing bad could possibly happen.
We can also intentionally choose open-ended toys and set them up as an invitation to play in this space - but more about that on week 2.
This week’s goal: Set 5-15 minutes every day to observing playtime. To do this, find a cozy spot, grab your coffee (made your favorite way!), and quietly sit and watch. You may even want to tell your child, "I'm looking forward to watching you play today. I'll be sitting right here."
Have an attitude of confidence and curiosity about it all, and try to remember these 3 simple things:
Trust in their ability to lead the way. They are born to play!
Watch without an agenda. Acknowledge what they are doing when they look up at you ("yes, I see you stacking the blocks." or "You look frustrated, hmmm. I wonder what you'll do?")
Enjoy watching your child's unique interests and unfolding development.
It can feel awkward, or like you should be doing something at first. But it gets easier, especially when you observe something delightful happen that was initiated by your child. And if you're up for sharing what you're observing, or have any questions at all, you can contact me here.
Week 2: Choose toys which are simple yet open-ended
Welcome to week 2 and sending a warm hug your way. :)
Have you had a chance to observe self-directed play yet? How did it go, and what did you notice?
Today's message is about toys. When you were a child, how often did YOU enjoy playing with simple things - like dolls, blocks, and balls - and what memories do you have playing with them? Do you remember how you felt?
My husband admitted that his favorite activity was digging holes in the backyard with a stick, even though he had the coolest toys in his room. This makes me laugh every time I hear it, and it makes perfect sense.
It's the simple and open-ended toys (even from your kitchen!) that can truly create the most discovery and learning. They can be re-imagined and played with in a zillion different ways.
They also offer more opportunities for movement and developing motor skills. The trick here is to set it up as an invitation for your child to play (there are so many possibilities!), and then watch the magic happen.
How engaging do these photos look? Did you notice that none of the toys are battery operated? That is totally intentional. The reason behind this is that research shows that simple toys create active children who are exploring and moving and learning. Active toys (usually battery-operated) create passive children who aren't doing nearly as much.
You may need to observe this yourself to feel the truth behind this.
This week’s goal: Look around your home and simply notice which toys are battery-operated, and which are simple and open-ended. Notice how your child plays with each one. This isn't about purging all your toys and feeling guilt. This is about noticing how your children interact differently with each kind of toy, and gaining a little bit more insight. How do they play with it? How do they move with it? Does it engage them over and over, and for how long?
I also share quite a bit of our toys at home, if you follow me on Instagram. Best of luck and if you have a question, holler any time.
Week 3: Devote Quality Time To Caregiving
Magda Gerber referred to observing play as “Wants Nothing Quality Time,” because that time of togetherness is truly special, even if we are “just” sensitively observing.
She referred to caregiving times (the times we’re caring for our children by feeding, diapering, clipping nails, bathing, wiping noses, or helping them get dressed) as “Wants Something Quality Time.” This is when we want something from them (to change their diaper perhaps), but we see it as quality time too.
I know it can sometimes feel like caregiving times are a chore. But truly, when we think about the intimacy of caregiving, it suddenly feels very important! We can intentionally make it a heart-centered time to be together. Suddenly, it feels much more than a chore.
This is the time we can slow down, way down, and seek to enjoy this time together (even if it’s not going perfectly smooth). We can also involve our child in the caregiving process, which helps with cooperation and makes it much more interesting. We can ask them to stick their arm out to reach through a sleeve, or touch the wipe to feel that it’s cold. Including our children in the process, talking with our children, noticing their cues and acknowledging what they experience can connect ourselves much more deeply with our children.
It truly becomes a dance, and suddenly, a lovely time (hiccups and all).
When we can devote this kind quality to caregiving, independent play can start to really take off. Our cups are full. And we start to more clearly see that there is a time to be together, and a time to be apart too. When done respectfully, both times are rich.
This week’s goal: When it comes to any kind of caregiving: slow down, way down. Now slow down even further. Look into their eyes, enter a conversation with your child, when it feels right. Involve your child in the process when you can. See this time as extra special, and your child will too.
Week 4: practice waiting before helping
Hiya and wondering how you're doing? Are caregiving times feeling more sparkly? I hope so.
I'm sending a high-five and "you got this!" your way.
This is the final week of independent play ideas. You are welcome to go through my blog to discover more ideas too.
Today we're going to focus on helping. When do we help our child during playtime, and when do we wait and see if our children can problem solve it themselves?
These are the times when our baby is having trouble rolling over, or our toddler is frustrated with a puzzle, or perhaps there are two young children who are pulling on the same toy.
Most of us want to find a balance of helping our children when it's needed, but also allowing our children to build their own confidence and problem solving skills. Though well-meaning over-helping, our children can get the idea that their parents will rush in to help even with the slightest frustration. When really, we want our children to see that they can handle challenges that arise, and that we're there to support them when they need it.
There is no "correct" way to approach each and every struggle. There will be times when we help a little too much than what a child needs to figure it out, and instances when we help too little and it leads to more frustration (I've experienced both).
3 ways you can help in a frustrating moment:
1 - Wait before helping and observe. Acknowledge the frustration and what’s happening in an empathetic way. Wait a moment or more and observe what happens. Sometimes just some time allows our children to figure out the dilemma. If needed, do less and build up more help as needed.
2 - Sportscast The Struggle. This means, voicing out loud what is happening in an objective yet compassionate way so that children can process it, including the emotions behind it. We stay close, our hands ready to block any hitting, yet we allow children to have the experience and find their own solution. This might sound like, "you both want the doll, Jake is pulling on it and Sally is pulling on it too. You are both upset!...."
or
“You sound frustrated, you're trying to get that puzzle piece in and it won't fit..." Then, wait and see what happens. You may be surprised when a solution is discovered, even if it's not the one you thought of.
Part of this also means opening ourselves to solutions we didn't expect, or find fair. There is much to be learned no matter what ends up happening.
3 - Help Further When It Feels Right. If you've waited and sports-casted, and frustration is building, definitely help further. This might look like offering some help (rotating a puzzle piece but allowing your child to put it in place). Or helping completely when you notice intense frustration (your child is stuck while trying to roll over and is quite upset).
As always, do what feels right for you and never second guess yourself when it comes to safety. You are the expert of your own children, and know what's best for them.
This wraps up our 4 week series to more independent play! May it support you, dear friend. Thank you for bringing your openness to this space with me. If you have any questions at all, don’t hesitate in reaching out. Also, be kind and gentle with yourself as you navigate these ideas, and enjoy discovering the best way to try it out with your family.
Lots of love and respect for you,
Jesse xo
PS - I also offer 30 and 60 minute Parent Coaching sessions, a helpful book about Parenting Rituals, and Wonder Wednesdays LIVE on IG at 10am. Please choose what will be most supportive to you at this time.